confession

well, its pretty obvious that keeping this thing up to date during the summer is just something thats about impossible for me to do. its not like i have nothing to say (a dose of double negativity), its just that when i'm not at school i just don't have the inspiration i need to plunk away at the keys and make my stories interesting enough to capture the attention of you all...whoever you are.

well, i've been confronted many times about this fault i have. its like a heroic flaw (not that i'm a heroine by any means); my achilles heel, if you will. i don't know. see, things just don't come out right in the summer months. back to my flaw (i know how much everyone loves magnifying faults, so lets pick apart mine. i guess you can call this some kind of confession). its not like its something i haven't been aware of. heck, i've been aware of it ever since i got into high school. its the thing that drives me crazy about myself. it keeps me from being truthful; being a good friend; letting relationships grow; feeling confident; expressing myself...i could go on. and its all because i have this social condition of being "non-confrontational".

okay, so what, you say. most people have problems at times saying whats on their mind. if you're thinking something along those lines, you don't quite understand. this habit of being non-confrontational doesn't allow me to open up and talk to anyone about whats going on. as some would say, i'm a closed book. over the years i've rationalized it out and made it seem reasonable because who really wants to hear all my problems anyway? someone has to really pry at whats wrong...and then i'll answer with something thats hardly addressing the question. and if someone has done something to me, approaching them about it would just make things awkward and then i don't want them feeling bad that they hurt my feelings. thats the way i've justified it. this pretty much results in being a human rug, if you know what i mean. its a vicious way of life.

so the reason i'm bringing this up is because something needs to be done about it. i really don't want to have this fear of confronting someone...or sharing my feelings. in my pathetic state i've had feeble attempts to surface my hidden thoughts. little comments hidden behind a sarcastic tone...hoping that someone is paying enough attention to interpret it correctly. i've even tried to express my mood a little more. but obviously, that doesn't work (i guess i'm a girl...i'm complicated). becca got so mad at me because i didn't tell her about a certain something that shes has vowed to make me open up. i guess you could call me a work in progress. over the next semester i will try to overcome my fear of confrontation. it will be rough, but hopefully it will work out for the best.

so, not that exciting, but something thats been on my mind. a small step towards becoming a woman with a little more dignity.